Conscious Dignity
by OrionLady
Summary: "Dignity does not consist in possessing honours, but in the consciousness that we deserve them" - Aristotle. A birthday celebration turns ugly when traumatic memories are brought to light from one of Kevin's recent cases.


Kevin Ryan caught one look at his desk, first thing Friday morning, and groaned. "I had hoped everyone would forget."

He turned on his heel, back for the elevator.

"Nu-uh! No way!" Esposito came over, arms stretched wide. He clapped them around Ryan's shoulders to steer him around to the bullpen. "Birthdays ain't no joke, man."

Castle, hands in his pockets, shrugged. "What he said."

He reached under the table and Beckett covered her mouth with a file folder. Narrowing his eyes, Ryan pointed between the two.

"What do you have up your sleeve? I mean, more than usual." He popped back one of the mini cupcakes on his keyboard. "Mmm. These aren't half bad."

"Just be glad we're not eating Beckett's," said Castle. "Little lava rocks of death."

"At least I'm not the one who made a Simba piñata," Kate argued.

Castle set the thing on Ryan's desk, all sloppy paper mache and toll paint. One of Simba's eyes sagged. The writer winked.

Ryan's mouth hung slack, eyebrows high. "Umm…_made_? You—Castle, you _made _this piñata?"

"Why Simba?" Esposito demanded. "Ryan's white."

Ryan rolled his eyes. So did Castle.

"It's the hair," said the writer. He stood on a chair to tie it to the ceiling. "Plus, _The Lion King_ is Kevin's favourite Disney movie."

"It is," said Ryan. "But surely this isn't protocol. Come on, guys…"

"Nope." Beckett gave up pretense and grinned. "I want to eat rum candies when they come out."

Ryan checked his watch. "It's not even nine o'clock. You're on du—_I _am on duty!"

"We have permission," Beckett said and then handed Ryan a bat.

"You are all insane. Seriously, why a piñata?"

"It's festive," Castle argued. "Besides, we always just go out for a round of drinks on someone's birthday. This is much more creative. Especially in light of recent events…"

He threw a look at Esposito. The Latino flexed his jaw and nodded. Beckett was unreadable, making the tips of Ryan's ears burn.

"Sappy lot," he joked.

This galvanized the trio into action. Beckett clapped her hands.

"Here we go!" Esposito took a strip of linen cloth from his back pocket. Ryan gulped. "No peeking."

"Right," Ryan chuckled, a little breathless.

The cloth slipped over his eyes and plunged Ryan in pitch black.

"Try not to break anything," said Castle. "You have a mean swing."

Javier leaned back, laughing. The cloth tightened past snug. Ryan's brow knit. He clenched his teeth and inhaled a long breath.

"And…go!" Castle slapped his hand against the piñata. Ryan jumped.

His hands strangled the bat. Its surface became slippery and a cold wave pressed down, from his head to his ankles.

"Ryan…Kev?"

The bat clattered to the floor. His legs pumped, heart a rush in his ears.

"Ryan!"

"Come back!"

_Faster. Gotta outrun 'em. Go faster…fasterfasterfaster._

Ryan's hand slammed into a doorknob. He dove for it.

* * *

"No. I got this." Esposito put a hand to Castle's chest. "More people will only make him feel trapped."

The three exchanged a knowing glance. Beckett lowered her eyes. Castle held out his hands with a sigh.

"The piñata was a bad idea. Tell him I'm sorry."

"We all should've known better," said Beckett. "It's only been a month since his release from the hospital."

Esposito nodded. "I'm the one who blindfolded him. Clean up here."

He took off down the hall. How Ryan hadn't run into anything was testament to their long hours. Both had the precinct memorized.

Esposito couldn't help conjuring images of his partner broken and bleeding, perhaps at the bottom of a stairwell. A clerk spotted Javier's frantic expression and pointed down the hall. He quickened his pace.

The reality was much worse.

He found Ryan in an empty boardroom, huddled tight against the wall, knees to his chest. Blood did trickle down his face. But it came from frantic hands that wrestled with the blindfold.

Esposito closed the door and lowered the blinds. With each exhale—Kevin was almost panting now—came a distressed cry. Lowering himself slowly, Esposito could see his friend up close. Sweat dotted Kevin's nose but he had gone very pale. His hands shook, futile in their quest for purchase.

Esposito inched forward. His shoes touched Ryan's. He measured the erratic breathing and his worry ratcheted up several notches.

He kept his tone low. "You're hurting yourself, bro."

"Can't get it off." Ryan swallowed and Javier's heart ached at how thick, panicked, his friend sounded. "Won't…won't come off…"

"That's cause you're making it worse. Here—" Esposito slipped his thumb under the cloth.

Ryan suddenly had Esposito's tie in a choke hold. Heart pounding, Javier held up his hands and sat back.

"Easy, Kev." He smiled, though the man couldn't see it. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Kevin growled. "I've heard that one before."

Javier's pulse skipped a beat. Something inside him blazed. He dared not move, but his fist clenched.

Kevin's wrist twisted and Esposito's eyes widened. He realized things could escalate to lethal very, very quickly. He already stretched for air. Ryan's grip was sniper-steady, stance tense. No hesitation.

"Don't touch me," Ryan hissed.

"I won't. I should've warned you first." Esposito gulped, bobbing the knot. "Those men didn't, did they? They were wrong to hurt you. But we caught em, Kev."

Ryan's brow creased.

"We busted down the door," Javier continued. "Remember? And all five are now in a maximum security cell outside Manhattan. No one here will harm you, Kevin. They'd have to kill me first."

Breathing shallow, Ryan tilted his head a fraction. A long silence ensued.

Then—

"Javi?"

Esposito closed his eyes. "Gracias A Dios. It's just us."

Kevin's whole body convulsed now. He snapped his hand off the tie. "Oh, Javi. I didn't…I-I could've…"

"It's not your fault." Javier straightened. He loomed over Kevin's shoulders. His arms opened. "I'm coming in. Don't leave me hangin', bro."

Kevin patted around until he found Javier's leather jacket. His fingers curled into the material at Javier's back. Javier held him until the shaking lessened.

"They're not here," he whispered. "You're not in that warehouse. We untied you and cut the gag over your eyes and the EMTs tried to tear me away but they couldn't. We got you, Kev…"

Kevin nested his head on Javier's chest, his rapid breaths hot against the shirt.

"I'm so sorry," said Javier. "We should've known not to cover your eyes. I don't know why we thought the piñata was a good idea."

Kevin just squeezed, the leather creaking under the force of his hands.

Opening his eyes, Javier spied the knot of the blindfold. His mouth pinched in dismay. Kevin's Irish curls had grown an inch or so since his captivity and release. Loose ends coiled around and through the cloth in a tangled ball.

"Hold on, Kevin. I'm just scooting a bit to your left."

Kevin adjusted.

"My hands are at your eye level. Is it okay if I try to get this off you?"

"Please," said Ryan.

Javier's hands remained slow at the back of his partner's head. He was keenly aware that his hands were larger, or at least meatier, than Kevin's. His friend had gone very still. Using what nails he had, Esposito picked at the cloth. It was tied too tightly to pull off or roll upwards.

"I can't believe…I wasn't paying attention and…" Javi sighed. "This must be painful."

Kevin ducked his head. "S'okay. You wanted today to be fun. So did I."

"It's not okay," Javier insisted. "You deserve better than this."

Kevin frowned but didn't voice the doubt Javier could read so easily on his face. They sat in quiet for a few minutes, Javier picking at the knot and Kevin working on his breathing. However fragile the calm, Javier relished it.

"You with me, Kev?"

"Yeah."

"What day is it?"

"Wednesday…?"

"Friday. Your birthday is tomorrow."

"…Right. That's what I meant."

Esposito shifted back. "Sorry. I risk ripping half your scalp off if I keep going."

"That's fine," said Ryan, a hair too quickly. "I'm okay with that."

Esposito huffed. "I'm not. Hang on. I have an idea."

He stood and jogged over to a coffee table in the corner. An empty packet of grounds and a pair of scissors sat on the edge.

"What do you have in mind?"

Esposito knelt. He wiped the scissors on his jeans. "Hold still, okay?"

"What—"

"I'm going to cut it off."

If possible, Ryan blanched. "I'm not sure…"

"Look, man, I know chicks dig the luscious curls but I think it's high time for a haircut anyway. Why haven't you gotten one yet? Didn't think Jenny liked the shaggy look."

Esposito leaned towards Ryan's face. He slid the scissors under the blindfold lip.

The instant the blade touched Kevin's skin, he shot to the right.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Javier reached for his friend, but Kevin had put a good five feet between them, backed into the corner.

His shoulders were up near his ears. Each palm lay flat on the floor. A sheen mixed with the blood on his temples and his upper lip. When Javier crawled closer, Kevin put both hands up.

"Easy, Kev. No one's going to hit you."

"More the-the bl…ade I'm w-worried about," Kevin panted.

"The scissors are gone, see?" Javier flung them away. "They didn't let me read your file, so I didn't know."

One step at a time, often halting when Kevin whimpered, Javier made it to his friend's knee. He placed a hand on it. Kevin jerked.

"I don't like this." The younger man gestured to his eyes. "You sure you're not…"

"We're at the precinct. Did they…did they use a knife on you, Kev?"

Kevin lowered his face. Esposito wished he could see more than just the kneaded brow. Turning his head to the side, Kevin nodded. Javier's stomach turned. Sucking in a ragged breath, he squeezed Kevin's knee.

"That's messed up. You aren't responsible for what they did to you."

Ryan's mouth lifted in confusion.

Esposito spoke slowly. "When you hurt, I hurt. That's what friends do. I didn't sleep a wink those six days we spent lookin' for you."

"'M pretty pathetic. Not worth very much to our case like this."

"Did the gang tell you that?" Esposito gaped. "When you were a hostage?"

Kevin shrugged one shoulder, still facing away. Javier began to see, with deep concern, the level of dehumanization that had taken place.

"You listen here, pasty boy." He gripped the other knee. "You are worth as much as me or Castle or Gates or the mayor, you understand? Not to mention you're a phenomenal cop and friend. Who dragged my sorry butt home that time I lost a shots contest at the Salty Keg?"

For the first time, Kevin's cheeks softened. Not quite a smile, but more genuine even than his smile at the piñata. Just that hint of amusement made Javier smile. He imagined blue eyes twinkling, teasing, behind the cloth.

"You can still hold your liquor better than me," Kevin mumbled.

"We'll have to test that out when you're off the meds."

"Ha. Sure."

Meds…

Esposito snapped his fingers. Ryan flinched.

"You just gave me an idea, bro."

"Does it involve sharp objects?"

"Nada."

"Then I'm game."

Javier rested his hand on the blonde head. He massaged Kevin's scalp, watching the man's shoulders lower.

"Do you trust me, Kev?"

"I believe we have a trusty catch phrase for moments such as this."

Kevin held out his hand. Esposito pulled him to his feet. Though Kevin wobbled, Javier kept a gentle grasp on his forearm.

"We're heading out into the hall, okay?"

Kevin exhaled a shaky breath. "I…what if…" He nodded. "Okay."

Javier wrapped an arm around Kevin's back. "Don't stress it."

They shuffled down the hall, Esposito with a subtle tug or push on Kevin's opposite arm. Ryan kept his head low, whether to hear or out of some fearful mentality, Javier wasn't sure. He knew he didn't like the resigned set of Kevin's features.

At two cops' questioning glances, Esposito threw a finger "gun" and winked. "My bro's birthday surprise!"

The two uniforms shrugged. They and several other cops bought it. Esposito led around a turn. The elevator dinged open, mercifully empty. He helped Ryan find the railing along the wall. Javier punched the button. The elevator whined to life.

"Down?" Kevin asked.

Javier, absent, nodded. Then he licked his thumb and wiped the blood prints from Ryan's temples.

Ryan shook his head. "Thanks, Mom."

A chime announced their floor. They stepped into a narrow corridor. Javier turned in surprise when Kevin's hand found his wrist.

"You alright?"

Kevin bobbed his head once, uneven. "The basement is just very cold and the floors are cement." He chuckled, a high and empty sound. "I guess you just overlook details like that."

They stood in silence. Javier twisted his wrist to grip Kevin's.

"I'm still here," the smaller man said. "Friday. We're at the morgue in the precinct."

"Atta boy."

Esposito tugged his clammy partner to a metal door on the left. He poked his head through and then coaxed Ryan inside.

"Uh, Lanie?"

She looked up from a microscope. Her interns ceased scratching on clipboards. The woman took one look at Ryan, then Esposito, and put a hand to her chest. Her eyes never left Javier as she waved an arm at the door. Javier sagged with relief.

"Everybody out," Lanie barked. "Now."

Esposito squeezed Kevin's wrist when he stiffened. The interns filed out, stealing nosy glances over their shoulders. Ryan bit his lip. He pulled away from Esposito and crossed his arms.

Then, in a soft tone Javier had never heard, one that matched the relaxing of her face, Lanie spoke into the morose quiet.

"What can I do for you, Detective Ryan?"

Kevin startled to life. He bumped the knot in his hair. "The blindfold is stuck."

"Hmm. I think I can help." She cast Javier a hard look. "Why don't you hop up on my table? I just had it cleaned. Oh! And happy birthday."

Ryan made a face. "Thanks. I was going to ask about the last stiff who sat on this table but…"

Lanie snorted. "You don't want to know."

Kevin swiped the air until he found the examination table. He did a leap and adjusted his weight.

"It's metal too," he said. "Lovely."

Javier grinned. It changed when Kevin settled. His friend's legs dangled a good foot off the floor. A sharp reminder of how small Ryan looked, especially with the weight loss.

Lanie started by cleaning the cuts on Kevin's face. She bandaged several and her brows drew back when she touched the bottom seam of the cloth, now stained crimson. Javier thought he saw her eyes shimmer before she straightened.

"Right. Let me get my kit."

"No knives," said Javier. "Please."

Lanie unrolled her kit and rubbed circles at the top of Kevin's back.

"This looks rough," she said. "But it shouldn't take too long. I'm only using forceps, like tweezers, and a towel clamp. Sound good?"

Kevin swallowed. Even when he nodded, Lanie didn't let go. Javier joined with a palm atop Ryan's curls. Kevin gripped the table, each knuckle a pearl under the fluorescent lighting.

"I'm fine," he said.

Javier met Lanie's eyes. He stepped back and tried to hide the crack in his voice.

"Do your magic, Lanie."

For the next quarter of an hour, Lanie kept up a litany stories while she worked. The most entertaining, by far, was of her recent trip as a friend's bridesmaid.

"I said, 'Girl, you are not makin' me wear a pink mini down that aisle.' Let me tell you—the flower toss was a nightmare. Nobody wants to see up that Parish skirt."

Javier laughed, eyebrows waggling, and Ryan wore something approaching a smile. "At least you weren't a bridesman."

Lanie cringed. "Oh, baby."

"Did I ever tell you about the time I lost my sister's ring the night before her wedding?" Kevin asked.

Lanie paused to gasp. "No!"

"That's it," said Javier. "That's the whole story."

"Hey now." Ryan held up a finger. "I fished it out of the gutter the next morning, before the limo arrived."

"Yeah. And you had to borrow _my_ suit jacket to cover all the mud. I still have brown patches in the lining."

"I offered to have it dry cleaned!"

"Alright, boys. Stop it. You're making me laugh." Lanie wiped the moisture out of her eye. "Next time we'll have a drink before best man or bridesman duty."

The three hummed in agreement. Ryan chuckled and Javier would've given a lot to know what memory played behind his closed lids. He finally looked more…Kevin.

"At least you guys didn't have to wear top hats and flowers," Javier grumbled.

"Oh…" Ryan clapped his hands. "I need photos."

"Not a chance, bro."

"Come on!"

"It was before I joined the force and all evidence has been destroyed—I made sure."

"There must be one in the album," his friend pushed.

"…Don't you dare."

The blindfold lifted with Kevin's dimples. "I have my sources."

Javier flicked Ryan's knee and his friend retaliated with a playful swat.

Lanie snickered. She caught Ryan's temples between her hands. "I don't want to tear your follicles. Try to hold still. This won't hurt a bit."

It was like someone had thrown Kevin's switch. His face dropped. With the insides of his wrists pressed tightly together, he lifted his arms over his head. A muscle twitched in his jaw.

Lanie's forceps hit the floor. Latex creaked as her hand flew to her lips. Kevin's breaths came laboured, owing to the crushed position of his lungs.

Javier's throat constricted. For a torturous, long moment, he could only stare. He closed warm fingers around Kevin's wrists and lowered them. With a quivering grip, he brought them to his chest, massaging the blistered, raw shackle marks that stubbornly refused to heal.

It took several tries before he could speak.

"No," said Javier. "You're not tied. Not now and not ever."

Kevin's mouth slackened into an 'o'. Colour finally returned to his skin in the form of a tight flush.

"Sorry. Lost track of…sorry."

"Hey." With his other hand, Javier cupped the back of Kevin's neck. "You have nothing to apologize for. None of this is your fault."

Lanie coughed. "Just…let me…"

She bent to retrieve her forceps, turning and smacking her feet on the cement. Kevin, one ear cocked, swiped a thumb under the cloth. It came away wet. When Lanie straightened, Kevin whipped his hand down.

Javier recaptured the abused wrists. Lanie's gloves touched the back of his head. Kevin jumped.

"Just me," she whispered.

Pulling with the hand around Kevin's neck, Javier brought his friend's forehead to his shoulder. The smaller man resisted, braced.

"It's just us, Kev. No one is judging you."

Kevin went boneless, finally allowing his face to drop. It settled in the pocket of Javier's shoulder and neck. Javier kept still for Lanie's sake, but he continued to smooth his thumb over the blisters. The high pitched clacking remained the only sound. Kevin's breathing evened out.

Javier had thought him asleep until Kevin's voice buzzed in the folds of his shirt.

"Thnkthehabit…"

"Gonna have to speak up, Kev."

"I c-can't shake the habit. My arms just…_do _it. I was hung from the ceiling for so long that I can't stop…Th'nk…you think it-t's permanent?"

"No," said Javier with a tight jaw. "Trauma sticks with us, but it won't cause such a drastic reaction forever. You are better than what you've been through. Don't ever think that you deserve it."

Lanie's face popped up over Kevin's back. "That was very mature, Javier."

He frowned. "No need to sound so surprised."

"How much have you been sleeping, sweetie?" Lanie ignored Javier to resume her circles on Kevin's shoulder.

Kevin sucked a shuddering breath. "Why?"

"Don't avoid my question. You're epidermis is dehydrated and you're swaying."

Only then did Javier realize that Kevin's body weight had been rocking them from side to side. He halted their momentum, locking his shoe against the table. Kevin groaned.

"Just like…"

"You're not there," Javier murmured. "You're here with me. Okay?"

"Hard to ssssleep now that everything's…so still. I got used to the pendulum feeling past the p-pain."

He hiccuped around the last word and Lanie had once again frozen. Her lips mushed together. The valiant attempt just barely held back the clear line in her eyes. Javier shook his head and she mirrored his devastated look, without the fury.

"Not counting the nightmares," Kevin finished quietly.

"I have a few over-the-counter sleeping tablets you can have." Lanie sniffed and shook her head. "Not much of a birthday present, but…"

"No." Kevin's muffled tone sounded surprised. "That would be amazing."

Javier closed his eyes. His face scrunched. When he opened them, a minute later, he was calm-faced once more. Lanie took this in with a mournful gaze.

"More good news, bro." Javier gently shook the wrists in his hand. "Get ready to let in the light."

Lanie flicked off several bulbs in the morgue. "There."

She slipped the last end of fabric through itself. The blindfold tumbled off just as Kevin sat up. Javier kept one hand on the younger man's shoulder.

Even in the dim, Kevin's icy irises shone, vibrant.

"Mmm, mmm. Love me some baby blues." Lanie smiled.

Javier tapped his chest. "And chocolate brown. Right?"

Lanie closed one eye and made a rocking motion with her hand.

"That's the thanks I get," he groused.

Kevin chuckled. "You two are impossible."

"Funny." Lanie winked at Javier. "I was going to say the same about you boys."

"Thanks, Lanie."

"Anytime, Mr. Ryan. Although I'd rather we not have a repeat of this."

"I second that," said Kevin with a tired wave. He blinked, squinting. "Got any shades, man? My head is killing me."

Javier patted Ryan's back. "I'll see what I can do."

"I have a better idea." The detectives turned to Lanie. She pointed to a door off the morgue. "My office has a battered couch. You're welcome to use it for the rest of the day. I, for one, think even birthday cops need a shift off."

Kevin spent a moment staring at the floor. His nose twitched. He wrestled back something, something Javier could see in the emotive eyes. And suddenly Javier experienced a tidal wave of relief. Just to see and connect with his partner on such a simple level as eye contact…

_Incredible._

"Sure," said Ryan at last. "If you don't mind."

"I'd prefer it, actually."

Javier helped his friend lay down and dragged a blanket over Kevin's slouched form. Ryan threw back a sleeping pill. Javier doubted he even needed it; his eyes drooped before he finished swallowing.

"Sorry again," said Javier, "about today."

Kevin waved Javier off. "Reminds me who I am, who's got my back." One eye popped open. "The room's not rocking?"

"No, it isn't."

Kevin's mouth twisted. "Have to get used to that. And sleeping with my hands at my sides again. I could use some of those rum candies now."

Javier grimaced and offered a water bottle from the mini fridge, remembering Lanie's words. Swigging a mouthful, Kevin thanked him with a nod.

The blue eyes suddenly widened, and the tiny pupils dilated so that Javier could barely see any of the irises. Ryan set a hand on his partner's arm.

"Nobody's going to hurt you," said Javier. He'd say it as many times as it took for Kevin to believe it. "You'll adjust to sleeping this way. The tablet will help. Don't fight it."

When Kevin proceeded to ignore his words, unblinking, Javier opened his palm. He set it over Kevin's eyes.

"Go to sleep, Kev. We got you. Let us be vigilant for once."

A soft drag of air puffed through Kevin's lips. Javier smiled.

"You are the bravest man I know, Ryan."

Kevin turned onto his side, facing the back of the couch. He smiled faintly. "Ditto, Mad Hatter."

Javier bristled. "What did you just call me?"

Lanie's laughter echoed from the doorway.


End file.
